After years of excavation on multiple sites around the Middle East, archaeologist Sir Bartholomew Ward (61) and his team of specialists made a historical discovery on Jordan grounds, which could mean a crucial error in how human History has been studied over all these years.
Despite his team’s scepticism in the search, Sir B. Ward has pinpointed and unearthed an ark containing what is believed to be Moses’s tablets of stone.
According to the Bible, the tablets were two plaques of sapphire chiselled by Moses so that God could rewrite humankind’s original Terms & Conditions after the prophet himself smashed the original copies whilst having a conniption.
Given the evident sensitive nature of the finding, the plaques have been promptly shipped to confirm their authenticity, and images are yet to be released to the press. However, word spread by Ward’s team confirmed the existence of unheard small print on the back of God’s second draft, these broaching minimum housing standards.
A sign of HIS benevolence
After the discovery, prompt amendments to the legislation were also released by the government in an attempt to avoid more of HIS wrath.
According to the RTA webpage, minimum housing standards aim to ensure rental properties are safe, secure and functional and provide tenants, residents, property managers and owners with greater clarity around their maintenance obligations for rental properties.
Minimum housing standards will apply to all types of tenancy arrangements, including general tenancies, rooming accommodation and moveable dwellings.
The promised land
Although “milk and honey” did not make the final cut in God’s priorities, the LORD included several other items in the must-have conditions landlords must uphold when leasing their properties.
A brief transcript by Sir B. Ward of Commandments 11-19 can be found below –
- Comm. 11. Thou shalt provide weatherproof and sound structure, but thou shalt not be liable for calamities of biblical proportions;
- Comm. 12. Thou shalt provide fixtures and fitting in good repair, for I let there be light for a reason;
- Comm. 13. Thou shalt provide functioning locks or latches on all external doors and windows which can be reached without a ladder;
- Comm. 14. Thou residences shalt be free from vermin, damp and mould, for plages are reserved to Pharaohs;
- Comm. 15. Thou shalt include curtains or other window coverings to provide privacy in rooms, so thy tenant’s wife isn’t coveted by the neighbour;
- Comm. 16. Thou shalt provide adequate plumbing and drainage, and make it connected to hot and cold water which is suitable for drinking;
- Comm. 17. Thou shalt provide flushable toilets connected to a sewer, and privacy in bathroom areas for the LORD does not wish to see everything under the Heavens anymore;
- Comm. 18. Thou shalt provide a functioning cooktop, for I gave thee food – but also salmonella;
- Comm. 19. Thou shalt include the necessary fixtures for a functional laundry so thy tenant can wash their unmixed fabrics.
End of (no minimum standard) times
With the world now running into a frenzy trying to comply with the new Commandments, authorities in the matter, such as the Pope and other of HIS groupies, declared there is an adaptation time to bring all rental properties to standard in which internationally famous weekend doorknockers will help spread the LORD’s newsletter.
From the 1st of September 2023, all new tenancies must comply with the minimum housing standards and from the 1st of September 2024, all tenancies need to be compliant.
From these dates on, properties that are not compliant cannot have an ongoing lease.
Besides major updates on minimum housing standards, this historical finding might also provide insight into other unanswered mysteries of life and faith, such as: when will Christianity leaders release a water-to-wine DIY? What was 600-year-old Noah’s skincare routine? And how can we split the seas and avoid expensive airfares?
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